Just Show Up

Well, Its almost 2:00 in the morning. I just got home and am trying to wind down what has been one hell of a day. I havn't blogged in about a week and my goal here is about one a week so I figure its a good way to end a day, week, i don't know month sort of. But, I don't really have a topic. All the ones I've been mulling over this week I don't feel like writing about so this is just a free form lets see what is going on in my head blog.

I suppose I want to talk about my day. I mentioned it was a hell of a one. Largely, due to the fact I had a 8 hour 3 round battle royale with the nova today. Needless to say if I never have to touch a motor mount again in my entire life I'll die a happy man. But, the problem still isn't fixed so I will be engaging the Nova again in a dual to the death soon enough. That car will probably kill me when it is all said and done with it. But, I love the damn thing. Relationships suck.

So while that consumed most of my day and energy. I just got back from a comedy club in Roswell. I randomly was invited ,after a few people dropped out, by a good friend of mine, Eve. It was a lot of fun. Meet some new interesting people which is always nice. To get out of your little circle of life and do something you usually don't.

But, I don't know where this is all going. I have something lingering that is itching to get out and I'm not sure what is. So in these instances I usually keep writing and just see what happens see where my mind goes. But, I don't really have anything tangible I'm reaching for but, I feel something is close to grasp.

I guess life really is what I want to talk about. In what way shape in form. I don't know why I talk about life a lot when writing. Mainly, cause I don't understand it. And I'm always trying to figure out. Nothing ever really happens the way I have things figured out in my head. Yet, I think I'm right. Its weird and that doesn't makes sense but, that is fine. Nothing is ever really easy. Even deciding what you want in life is diffcult and once you do figure it out it is even harder to get it. It is easy to say you don't want something cause you are too afraid that you will fail in the attempt at achieving it. Or maybe when you get it you discover it wasn't really what you wanted anyways and you have been pissing everything away to achieve it. But, you have to try. I think sometimes that is more important than the achieving, desiring, or failing. Trying. There is a stupid quote that I still remeber to this day. (I really like quotes by the way) I forget the name of the show but, it was on ESPN a while back. It was the show about pro football players. But there is a line where a big linebacker is talking to his coach. This football player is beaten, bruised, being held together with athletic tape, and is questioning why he even plays. Anyways, there having this discussion and the coach sums it up parapharased something like this "For guys like us. Sometimes all we have is to just show up." Basically, we don't always have the best in us and sometimes shit doesn't go our way and everything seems pointless and vague. But, the great people the ones the survive just show up every sunday and play their fucking hearts out. Yeah its a stupid quote and you probably have to hear it context to understand where I'm coming from. But, it for some reason meant a lot to me. Man if anyone fucks up and wonders what the hell this is all for and why I should keeping trying its me. But, damnit I refuse to take myself out of the game. Till the day I die I will show up. I'll might wallow in a hole for awhile. But, I getting damn good at dusting myself off. I might never achieve what I'm looking for whatever that might be. But, I'll be out there every fucking day busting my ass cause thats all I can do. I can't control all outcomes or circumstances. But, I can control myself and I'm going to throw the best I got out there everyday. You can take it or leave it. Its all me dirty and gritty to the core.

Anyways. See what happens when I just start writing. Fuck I never know whats going to happen. This is the closest I can get to not thinking before speaking (well that and being really drunk). That was fun for me. I'm not going to read back through this I'm sure it is a mess and doesn't make sense. But, I really don't care to proofread enough for the 4 or 5 people that might actually suffer through reading this entire thing. But, as for tommorow. It will be a great day. I guarantee. And well frankly I'm just gonna see what I can do about showing up.