It was just a Building.

So, I am going to take a break from my pathetic little series and try and just sort out my head. It is kind of in shambles right now. I'm not really sure what is going on up here. So many thoughts so little time. For whatever reason I have found when I try and write to an audience it forces me to explain myself clearer thus allowing to organize more clearly what is actually going on. Basically I am a bundle of intense feelings right now and I'm not sure what is exactly causing them. I just know this is usually the best time for me to write.

So this blog has no beginning. I again have neither topic nor point I am trying to make. I am just going to allow word to flow after word and maybe then I can reread and find the meaning in it. It is essential in times like this when writing not to stop. So if I fill this blog is filled with random pointless lines such as this one. Know there is a deeper meaning behind them. To let my mind recollect for the next line of thought that is sure to erupt over this blank page.

So what has been plaguing me again is life. Of coure I am always talking about life and perhaps this is what the Ruminations is about. My attempt to discover some underlining philosophy in my life. Some call to duty or trumpet call that I can bask in to create an aurora of duty for myself and my future. So my mind has been running as usual at full speed this weekend. A lot of crazy shit has gone on this week. Which of course would cause me to reflect on life.

I suppose the biggest event that influenced my current mood was this weekend I was allowed the horrifyingly intense experience of stepping foot into the church of my childhood. The building were I spent the majority of my childhood. Since as a child our family moved from houses every few years. I don't think it is much of an exaggeration to say that I have probably spent more time in that building than any other building in my entire life. Scary. Huh. It isn't a place that fills me with much good memories. It isn't a place of pleasent reminanices for many of my peers that grew up in that environment. It is an oppresive place of the will of an entire congregation to shape their youth into mindless zombies of zealous religiousity. Only to see each and every one of those youths grow up seemingly dissillusioned by the good they so believed they instilled in us. In that place I was faced with some of the people of my youth. Seemingly contradictory to atmosphere of the place. Many of these people the same ones indoctrinating me are very well intentioned people. People I really hold no animosity towards. They meant well. They really did. They have shaped me albeitly misguidedly into what I am today. It was the place that bothered me not so much the people. (I suppose I should explain really quickly I was in the church because my cousin was getting married not for any religious reasons.)

The thing that struck me the most about the place was what had changed and what had stayed the same. I spent a lot of time looking at things and talking to my brother and cousins how things had changed from our youth and how other things were exactly the same. The most striking example to me was the clock that hung above the entrance to the sanctuary. It was the same clock from my youth. The thing was easily 15 years old. Frankly, I don't have the desire to approximate any better age. But, it isn't a nice clock especially. I think it is the type of clock you could find at wal-mart 15 years ago. One of those you kind you put a AA battery and let it go. It seems like the kind of clock you wouldn't expect to last that long. But, it still stood there clicking a way the seconds. I can only imagine how many times I stared at the same clock and wondered when the oppresive sermon would end and I could finally have lunch. I figured I would have something poignant to say about the clock and time and change, maybe even the future or past or present. I don't. It just struck me odd that I would notice that clock.

But, I suppose what really draws this all together is my current quest. It is a quest for something bigger than myself in this life. I have come to the conclusion that my life can not be a simple journey to make enough money to pay the bills till I die. It seems like a continual struggle for a status quo. A status quo I am not sure I want. The whole definition of a successful life. A good job, family, kids, etc., etc. The american dream or whatever you want to call it. My problem I suppose is my unbearably high standards of myself and my desire to create something beautiful in my time here on earth. Stepping into this church the other day slammed all these thoughts and feelings into a loop for me. What I have become since those days, what I desire to become, and how I better get this all straightned out. Otherwise I'll create a life for my children and my future much like one I grew up in. One with no direction other than to mindlessly follow those who proceeded you. To create a life were you get a good job, go to church, get married and have kids because that is the way it was always done. It is what is expected of you. I'll be damned if I am going to do what is expected of me. I have done that too much in my life and God damnit if I can't throw away the oppression in my life and let my spirit create its own destiny. I'll live my life in regret. That isn't something I will be able to live with frankly.

Damn. Welcome to my head folks.