Prideful Humility

Okay, really all I got right now is this idea. This idea hit me when I went for a walk today during lunch. Since then I had so many threads of thoughts weaving in and out of this idea I am not sure I can wrap them all up and make them fit neatly in this blog. I was thinking about putting it off a day and seeing if I couldn't outline this idea into an actual coherent stream of thought. Though it seems like everytime I try to plan out a blog it all ends out coming like crap. I prefer very much to shoot from the hip when blogging and just see what comes out. And actually the last sentence provided me with the beginning I was looking for.

This blog has grown beyond me. It started off as just an idea in my head to kill time and let some of the loose ideas in my head out. Haley pointed out in a previous blog in her comments that the general mood off the blog has grown and become a little more hopeful. It has. For good reason as I feel more hopeful and in general more peaceful. Nothing has drastically changed in my life. I am still confused and still searching for answers. I could point to my new car and the stress relief it has brought but, the truth is this blog in itself is the reason for the change in my demeanor.

It seems odd to me that writing could change my outlook on my life. Before, my writing has largely been confined to academic and frustrated journal rants. This blog which began slowly and timidly ballooned on me. In a moment of frustration I let out some of the most personal stuff I have ever allowed others to see in me. Then what happened was absolutely shocking. Others responded. Through various means of acknowledgement I realized I wasn't alone in this.

I have discovered the freedom the open page page offers me. I don't communicate well on a conversational level. It isn' my forte. But, for some reason when I have a blank page my mind pours forth all that has been bottled up and creates something bigger than even I. Words come out and I can't stop them or slow them down. It has had a huge theraputic release for me. And somehow the fact an occasional person stumbles across this minefield, that is my blog, and cares enough to traverse through the wreakage to find that gold nugget or two means a lot to me.

Through this journey I've given up on the idea that I am someone how I am not. I've become even more comfortable with myself than I previously believed I could. Even to the point of seeing all the good things in me. I discovered today something that struck me as incrediblly odd. My entire life I would sell myself short. I would downplay my gifts and talents as if they never existed. Which isn't too good for ones self confidence. Then it dawned on me why. It was my pride. I was so proud that I didn't want anyone to see me fail. The whole idea if I actually stand up and say I am going to do this because I have these gifts and then fail. It was too much for my pride to handle. So I hid myself in a cloak of humility. Oh look at me, he is so humble. Yet, I would hide the gifts and not push myself to the limits that could take me beyond my current levels.

Well that is the point I wanted to make. I'll quit for the night. Thanks, again for reading.