More Than a Set of Rules

I am not sure when it happened exactly. I just know at one point in my life God became nothing more than a set of rules to me. I was to follow this set list of rules and I’d be saved. I was taught that good work wouldn’t get you into heaven and salvation was more than doing the right thing. Yet, with all the do-goodisms being bestowed on me, the definition of salvation became muddled to me. It lost meaning. Since I gave up on Christianity, I have also been subconsciously looking for a new definition for Salvation.

I searched for this definition of salvation for a long time. Good and Evil. Definitions of concepts bigger than yourself are difficult to come by through the human weakness of language. We need words to allow things to be. Flower, Sun, Mountain. They are not mere words. They are more than that they simply -- are. They do not require fancy titles. They stand and bask in the glory of their creator. They never allow ego to embrace that they are more than just what they were created to be.

I though. Demand title and definition. I am not strong enough to say I am what I am created to be. I am Michael, I am human, I am an Accountant, I am, I am. Ego pulsates and destroys. Selfish pride and feelings of great worth are left in its wake.
Defining sin and salvation in a world full of language had become a struggle for me. I knew the god that was a set of rules was not the one I believed. Following these rules would not make me pure. I rejected the rules and decided to live my life the best I could manage.

Ego, took over as it often does. I did things good and bad for my own satisfaction. Looking back on certain actions in my life, especially, acts on the outside that appeared virtuous. I had rejected Christianity yet, I wanted to say look at me. I could turn around to Christians that were blatantly ignoring the “Rules” and say I don’t believe in your God but, my lifestyle is more pure. Ego.

I have been reading a lot of spiritual books lately. Not devotional do-goodism type books. I tried to read some of those. I found them trying to sneak rules back into my soul and force me to worship that god again. I have been reading books about Buddhism and Christianity, even New Age and secular spirituality. It is funny. When you strip away the specifics from these books you are often left with the same principles. There is something greater and if we fall on our own understanding – we will remain lost.

Things began to make a little sense. A definition for sin and salvation that I could embrace began to dawn on me. I realized that I had performed all the good and bad acts in my life for one purpose -- my own gratification. Ego. The good, the bad, the ugly for my own gain. Selflessness is and has never been an attribute that could be bestowed on me. I am for lack of a better word -- A sinner. Call it evil if you will. Call it ego. Call it sin even -- if you must. It lies at the heart of every soul devouring every good intention that rises in our self.

Salvation then I can only pray is the release from this ego. Knowing that we can never be truly free from it yet, we are somehow worthy of His grace and mercy. I can embrace that definition of Salvation. We all have sinned and fallen short. I suppose. Rules be damned though. I want to destroy the root of all evil – self. I see now there is only one path